Chocolate: Doping for Nerds

It’s just as I thought.  I really am as superior as I think — not because I have a hipster playlist in my earbuds (see MUSIC on opposite page) or because I buy my unprocessed peanut butter at the Co-Op, but because I eat CHOCOLATE.

A new study out of Columbia University has provided very convincing correlational evidence that nations that consume more chocolate per capita produce more Nobel Prize winners.

Sound crazy?  Here’s some irrefutable proof. Switzerland, the most innovative country in the EU and the wealthiest country in the world (in per capita terms and wealth defined as financial and nonfinancial assets), is at the top of the list with both the highest chocolate consumption per head and the highest number of Nobel laureates per capita.

Have I convinced you yet? Okay, well, here’s further proof. Nobel Prize winner for Economics, Christopher Pissarides from the London School of Economics, says his chocolate habit gave him what he needed to pull out the win in 2010.

“To win a Nobel Prize you have to produce something that others haven’t thought about — chocolate that makes you feel good might contribute a little bit,” Pissarides said to the BBC.  “Of course it’s not the main factor but… anything that contributes to a better life and a better outlook in your life then contributes to the quality of your work.”

Okay, you’re right. Not the best testimony. But how about this: Eric Cornell, winner of the Nobel Prize in Physics in 2011 told Reuters:

“I attribute essentially all my success to the very large amount of chocolate that I consume. Personally I feel that milk chocolate makes you stupid… dark chocolate is the way to go. It’s one thing if you want a medicine or chemistry Nobel Prize but if you want a physics Nobel Prize it pretty much has got to be dark chocolate.”

Dark chocolate is obviously the superior chocolate.  However, Cornell came to regret his condemnation of milk chocolate when he was later asked to elaborate on the firm stance.

“I deeply regret the rash remarks I made to the media. We scientists should strive to maintain objective neutrality and refrain from declaring our affiliation either with milk chocolate or with dark chocolate,” he said. “Now I ask that the media kindly respect my family’s privacy in this difficult time.”

Clearly, chocolate is a factor in all academic, professional and intellectual achievements. Indisputably. Hands down. For the win.

Footnote: The author of this study, Franz Messerli, would like to remind the scientific community and readers that correlation does not equal causation.

“When you see a correlation, you do think there is causation in one way or another. And in general it’s absolutely true. But here we have a classic example where we cannot find a good reason why these two correlate so closely.”

By Chelsea Hetelson

Tantrums are for Babies

When I was 9 and my brother was 5, we played two-player Mario and Donkey Kong on our Super Nintendo.  Since I was four years his senior, I would usually win, and when I did, it was almost like the world was ending. Controllers would go flying, tears would flow and I would end up being scolded just because my motor skills were on pace for normal development.

But tantrums are normal for 5-year-olds. They’re basically still babies and can’t handle losing yet. But for millionaire CEOs of national million-dollar companies, throwing a tantrum seems a little, well, fucking ridiculous.

John Schnatter CEO of Papa John’s says Obamacare is going to force him to charge 11 to 14 cents more per pie and cut back on workers’ hours to make up for the higher costs, yet still manages to give away 2 million free pizzas.

CEO Robert Murray of Murray Energy (coal mines), after he forced his employees to forfeit a day’s work and pay to attend a Mitt Romney rally and pressured them to donate to his campaign, has responded to Obama’s win by “reading a prayer and firing 156 employees.”

Franchisor of Hurricane Grill & Wings and owner of several Denny’s and Dairy Queens, John Metz, cut employee hours to below 30 hours a week and added a note on the menu indicating that a 5% surcharge will be added to their bill due to Obamacare, and as Metz put it, “They can either pay it and tip 15 or 20 percent, or if they really feel so inclined, they can reduce the amount of tip they give to the server, who is the primary beneficiary of Obamacare.”
CEO of New York-area Applebee’s Zane Tankel announced Obamacare costs have made it impossible for him to hire any new employees for the foreseeable future.

And last but not least, CEO of Aetna insurance company, Mark Bertolini, has issued an ultimatum to Obama and Congress regarding the debt ceiling: “The American people are going to suffer because we’ll lay them off — because we know how to respond to these kinds of situations.”

And there you have it. The biggest (and most disgusting) cry babies of the presidential election of 2012. Oh, to be young. Or rich.  Whatever.
Note: As of Nov. 20th, Mr. Schnatter, CEO of Papa John’s, spoke out via Huff Post to let the everyone know they’ve got the wrong impression.

By Chelsea Hetelson